gate 36

currently sitting in an un-used corridor where i think they shuttle mini buses of waste down. it's also where tiger airways customers wait for flights that have been delayed for up to 2 hours!

and so, this is me. arriving after a stressful car trip with mum (what is it with her and airports, she can never frakkin calm down and chill) i arrived to the tiny fucking shoebox check-in desk for tiger airways. all i can say is thank god i brought my macbook with me and thank god i can use the internet through my iphone. anyways, i guess this gives me the chance to go to the toilet; something i should've done at nana's ... and update the blog and fill you guys in on what's been going on.

it's rather hot today in QLD, and i know at the moment that in MELBOURNE it's going to be absolutely pouring with rain... so, i am not looking forward to me lugging all my shit back whilst my gradual tanning moisturiser leaves me streakier than a fucking caramel latte on a zebra. at least i was able to get a tan before christmas/summer so i can be all snobby and look down at those pale bastards who have no complexion. that'll give me some satisfaction. not.

what was 12 days away certainly did feel like 3-4 weeks... and during my stay i did manage to fit a lot into or onto my plate. visited all the immediate family. saw both grandparents, who each have their own lifestyles. nana, who lives in a 2 bedroom unit, or, as i have dubbed it, the cat museum- has more fucking cat/tiger merchandise than the gift shop at werribee open zoo.

during my night at the museum, i found some old old OLD photo albums which were full of family photos that i'd never seen before. it was all really quite fascinating. after scanning a few albums, i came across something that, i am sure i'd heard about at some stage in my life, but until now, totally forgot.

my mother had been previously married before my father. at the ripe age of 21. gross. i guess in the 70's everyone was fucking bonkers, so it shouldn't be that surprising yeh? well, it was like one of those moments where the camera tracks in and the fucker zooms all the way out so the background was all "zrrrrooooooopppp" crazy. it was like i had discovered some family secret, or it felt like i was on an episode of "who the fuck do you think you are" ... except i had no one that was interested or cared when i was looking into the camera that was not filming me. also learnt of nana's new endeavour to donate her body to the university where they can cut her open and have a squiz at her insides. much like gunther. my nana will be gunther-ized. hopefully these kids will wear more trendy hat wear. that's all i can ask.

also during my stay i popped in to see well, my pop. grandpa. whatever. he was lounging around like the king of fucking egypt on his poolside whatever they're called and cracked the usual joke. he looks actually quite good for someone who had a stroke a year ago. it was good to see he hadn't changed.. not much to say about my 3 hours there. he asked me about my shoes. i went for a swim in his pool. he had some witty banter with his partner... who, is kinda like my stepmother... and then, mum and i went on our way. i did manage to get a photo of the 3 generations of CHUAH - so, i guess what was worth it.

spent some good quality time with my work-a-holic father. 4 days. 12 hour shifts. bonkers. but, that's just how he is. as david brent said in the office, "orientals make great workers" ... and he couldn't be more right. turns out dad cut his finger open whilst cleaning a wok at work. he cut the tendon so his middle finger couldn't bend at the top joint. so, as son, it was my duty to accompany dad to the hospital. the hospital that i was born in, 24 years ago. so nostalgic. i tried to find the location where i am pictured the first day i was born, but it had been totally renovated, much like all of noosa, so the chances were pretty slim. but after dad came out of the hospital, i think he made a deliberate detour to go past his HONDA motor bike store so he could show me some new toys and shiny bikes. heheheh. i went along and managed to snap a couple of pics of him inside the store.

another highlight of staying with dad is a BBQ. he still cooks his meat on the same set up as we had as kids. just a hole in the ground with some bricks and then a grill plate. he collects the wood from the forest that surrounds the 57 bedroom house he lives in, and then waits to the wood burns down to ashes and charcoal. and then, presto. yummo.

speaking of food, i managed to finally watch julie & julia, the last movie by mrs i can do anything streep. anyways, she was good... but the movie lacked any major conflict or ethnic diversity. meh. white people cooking white meals. with butter. and cream. more butter and more cream. whatever. as if you wouldn't get the size of a fucking house eating this kinda food? anyways, tangent. but yeh, fluffy.. but Meryl is always amazing to watch.

ok, i think i need to go find a bathroom. or maybe just go where i'm sitting as a kind of fuck you to tiger airways. all i can say is thank fuck i am not catching the 8pm flight as i was previously thinking of. i'd end up getting home at the fucking crack of dawn next day. meh. no thanks!!! have fun guys... see you soon!

LOVE THIS SONG....

my fingers smell of smoked salmon

they do! nothing suss. i've tried washing my hands several times and even after a trip to the pool they still smell. what is with that? it sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

so, today i went on my trek through the national park. it was lovely. i wont go on and on about it, but i can share a couple of cliche pictures of the beautiful scenery.

all in all a lovely day at the beach. possibly one of the best walks i can ask for. so many great views. it's moments like that where you can be truly grateful for having legs.

romeo&juliet

to celebrate the HD BLU-RAY release of Romeo & Juliet i just had to post some screen shots of Baz Luhrmann's amazing film. click for larger versions. they make GRRRREAT wallpaper!!!

charlie sheen is fine by the way

yeh, thanks for caring guys. jeeze. thanks for asking. everyone's favourite booze hound sleaze mother fucker is back to health apparently according to sources close to the two and a half laughs star!

having myself a nice little time in Noosa and since the weather hasnt been the greatest, i have been able to catch up on some quality Nip/Tuck Season 4! oh and it is delicious. except for mother turning around every 3 seconds when there is a sex scene or someone says pussy or fuck. without my noticing, she's turned into an OLD PERSON. but, mind you... when there is a sex scene, she will watch the whole thing. nutter. it's actually the reason why i put off watching "the last mistress" with her. it's french. it's a period drama. and it has high level sex scenes. yeh... no thanks!

so.. i went to the bakery that i mentioned in an earlier post. i was sooo excited. i counted all my pennies. and asked the lady very nicely. and then i took a bite. ewww... it was possibly one of the greatest food disappointments of the year. and i've eaten a lot of food. anyone that knows me well enough knows i will eat anything. but the cream cheese filling of my banana, pecan and walnut cake tasted like soap. i stood there, in the reject shop now, clucking my tongue, much like walter matthau in this scene...

oh it was horrible. i had to go back. i explained my situation to the nice old white lady... expressing how upset i was. i also explained that p.s- i am a fatso whale and that i do eat LOTS of food and never complain. anyways, she gave me my money back. but i intend to go back once more. and try my luck at another batch. come on, it's the least i can do.. i haven't had a slice in 3 years!

after the kerfuffle of some dodgy cake, it was time for mother and i to head off to the local salvation army. i searched around for some bargains... but, none i could really justify. i did find a hillary duff t-shirt in the menswear aisle... this was somewhat confusing... not me, but i did wonder who the homo staff member working there was that decided it belonged in that aisle. meh. i kept searching... looking... looking... CDS! yes, cool... and i swear to allah that the majority of the titles there were in fact singles from my childhood. we had "honey to the bee", "5,6,7,8", "backstreets back" and this all time classic....

oh the 90's.... so much to answer for. it's like a beautiful nightmare that you wish could stay with you forever. and then... i came across this $1 BARGAIN...

the BABE soundtrack. not only does it have all the instrumental/inspirational music from the gallant trotter ... but sound bites. from the film!!! finally, i can listen to this... on my iPod!

omg... it could even be my new ringtone??? thoughts. please. now.

see you guys soon. be good.

the simple life/at the movies

mmm totally not the nicole richie/paris hilton combo you'd imagine. this series is starring me and my mother. day 3 of being in noosa and we have hit up all the supermarkets...

there is nothing to do here. but, i guess that's what holidays are for yeh? hmmm well, we hit up the video store... mum actually hid outside fearing she had late fees. it was ridiculous. i went up to the counter to find out, thinking with her level of paranoia, there must be maybe 50-100 clams of late fees. how much?

30 cents.

from 2003. good lord. anyways, after hanging around the video store and grabbing some movies, i left with the following films.

julie and julia, wake in fright, in the electric mist, the reader, an old mistress, vicky cristina barcelona and every little step.

so far the pick of the bunch was wake in fright. this is a 1971 australian film that has been forgotten for several decades. it aired once on commercial TV in 1984-ish and then was pretty much shunned for its "disturbing" and "inaccurate" depiction of australians.

it's amazing how well this film looks on DVD and if i had a chance to see it on blu-ray i would highly suggest it. the film is about an english school teacher, all proper and nice who basically descends into the hellish australian outback and the harsh, violent and beer thirsty ways of mate-ship.

highly recommended for fans of australian cinema... but vegetarians, be warned. there is a WHOLE lot of kangaroo killing in this film. i was actually shocked they got away with so much!

my moisture gloves are giving me nightmares

HELLO!!!

i'm back. but who knows for how long. anyways, at the moment i am coming to you live from the Noosa Shire public library where i am on holidays, stealing the free wifi and trying to re-connect with all you die hard fans of this blog.

i have no idea where to start. well, perhaps right now. as i mentioned, i am currently in noosa, my home town. my childhood memories. i flew in from melbourne at about midday of the 150th anniversary of the day where stupid white men dress in suits, get smashed, stare at fake tanned women and gamble and bet on the cruelty of racing the horse around a 3.2 km track. phew. glad i got that off my chest. horses, they are so amazing. and we just... hmmm that's another discussion.

the flight down was pretty pleasant, i had been warned about flying with tiger airways, a budget airline that has a pretty consistent history of beinf horrible. i arrived at the terminal thanks to jesse, and was alarmed at the amount of people crammed into this tiny bunker... about to board what i thought would be a tin can. not only did i get a window seat... i had the entire row to myself and it turned out that a former work colleague had decided she'd had enough of selling cameras at JBHIFI and was now a hostess! free muffin and water thank you! i wanted some assorted nuts, but, you can't always get nuts when you want them.

flash back about 72 hours earlier and i was in mad panic about finding a replacement housemate. it had been about 6 weeks since jesse had flown the nest and decided to live in the ultimate vegan/vegetarian household with a few other people, one of which was his GF. im not gonna lie, i was pretty upset, but kinda had the feeling that he would eventually move out... because he was so so smitten with his lady love. anyways... the time came when ben had to start looking for a housemate and god... if any of you know where i live, and the size of the apartment, you'd say it's cosy. it's not like, a box. but it is definitely and area that you'd want to be comfortable with the person you've chosen.

so, the advertisement when up on gum nut or gumtree and i was like, cool. i have a chance to show the world that i am a cool individual with lots to offer, and i'll find my ideal housemate. someone trendy and social, quiet and private, loved cinema and pop culture, someone that could cook and finally, someone with a skill that could come in handy. hairdresser, carpenter, fashion designer. the criteria wasn't outrageous, but perhaps my expectations were. i was like, sweet... got myself a cool ad, a bit quirky, but people like that right? WRONG.

140 people had looked at my ad. and 138 of them decided it was ... obviously not for them. ouch. mega ouch. by this stage, jesse had already paid for another months rent and time was getting tight for me to find my dream housemate. fast forward almost 4 weeks later and it was a sunday. at work. i now am at the bourke st store, which is actually a lot of fun. after my year stint at south wharf, and several key "personality" figures leaving the store, i thought it was about time to step up to the plate... and go to "like, the busiest store in the world" or so i had been told. so, sunday. it was the afternoon and i was doing my usual business. after what i thought had to be the cunt-iest day on record, in walks this tall man wearing a suit carrying a nice leather bag and umbrella.

at first, i checked out the umbrella. it was not to large, not to small. it wasnt like those fucking business men who think it's ok to bring a giant beach umbrella and walk the street thinking that they need 2 metres of coverage from the elements. it was just the right size. cool. he started heading to the BBC section. cooler. he started picking up DR WHO dvds.

BINGO

like a heat seeking mother fucking missile, i tried my shyest to approach this new man of my dreams. after hanging around like a bad smell, i had given up. he had his iPod in and you know that is basically "don't bother me.. i don't want to deal with your shit" i should know, i do it all the time. i started to sulk off, much like george michael in arrested development... but, in the corner of my eye... he came running up after me! ok, i started to freak. anyways, after a rather long conversation where i was rambling about how it's cheaper to buy DVDS online from amazon.co.uk and trying to explain who sooty was... it was time for him to leave. he made his purchase and walked out of my life for good.

"hey ben, you know that guy with the blonde hair..."

"yesssss..."

"well, he said you were really, really..."

(at the stage i thought... OMG OMG he loves me too...)

"helpful"

"ooh... well, um, yeh... helpful is good right?"

WOW. OK. not totally what i was after... but a good start. so, as i am leaving work... i switch on my grindr. possibly the creepiest app and the most useful app of all time. if you're not sure, give it a wiki. HE WAS ONLINE. wooooohoooo. after chatting to him for aaaages... i discovered not only is he a DR WHO fan... but he likes BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. he's a virgo. from NZ. has 4 mutual friends with jesse's girlfriend te ao marama... wow. it was all too good to be true. long story short, monday night, the night before i left to go away for 2 weeks. i said, sure. you can move in. i gave him my keys. and sent him on his way. i just hope that when i get back that my apartment is stripped bare and all he has left me was my LOST figurines. i can't see anyone else wanting them.

so, yes, flash forward 24 hours from that moment, i am enjoying my first "home cooked" meal with mother in the apartment she has had for about 10 years now. i think i have spoken about this before... but there's always such a sense of ... sadness about returning home. actually, i am not sure if sadness is the right word, but ... it just takes me back to all those years ago. we went to the local shopping centre, and there was the same cleaner that was there when i was 14 years old. the bakery still makes the same cake i used to BEG my parents to buy me. now, i can walk in and i don't have to ask mum or dad for the $3.90 ... small things like that. they fill me with ... i guess it's something i can't quite describe.

this is my second day back in Noosa, and i am already feeling restless. no trains. no trams. no sky-scrappers. no noise. just me. the sun. the pool. until, mum comes stomping up to me whilst i am trying to get a tan.

"ben, i need to clean your room. i have that guy coming around to have a look..."

"ok, well.. just put everything in a corner...."

she starts to walk off...

"oh, but, i wouldn't touch those socks. maybe use a glove or a bag or something"

... now, that's something that actually never happened 10 years ago. i guess there are some things that can happen for the first time in a place that is filled with experiences.