Saturday, March 17, 2007

previously...

first of all; pretend my life is a TV show. it will seem more interesting when you read about all the shit that i have been dealing with lately. and insert your own ad breaks when you want as well.

so, where have i been the last few days? well, ... it seems i got a job. a job network... ohhh...!!! no, but because apparently i have been unemployed for too long centrelink has enrolled me into a compulsory training programme designed to get me back on board and be active and not think that im a useless peice of nothing that will just sit on his bed, watch DVDS and eat crisps...

off i trot to my first appointment thinking that i am just going in to get a diary or some shit... and then 30 minutes later i am signed on for 3 weeks of intensive training on "how to get a job" where i have to go to this fucking hell hole of an office and be surrounded by "misery guts" or guts's ... (what is the plural for guts) and basically all we do is go on the internet and look for jobs.

now, arriving there was so awkward at the start... sitting in a cold room that has all these success words on the walls... (it makes for good scripting material) and i was sitting with a young boy, a 46-ish something woman who still had grade 10 cert. on her resume, and a couple of somali guys who seemed pretty cool. i just heard them make a few jokes about stuff.

1st question... ok, ben... "what's your dream job" ?? i gave her my usual to be a director jazz and then she was impressed and also like ... "as if the fuck you're going to get anywhere you miserable sack of shit..." and then she asked the same question to one of the somali guys...

"taxi driver"

ohhh... for fucks sake i thought. come on dude... you can do better than that. and then he spoke again...

"but ultimately i would like to get into textiles and design... perhaps knitting."

it was at that moment that my heart just went "OUCH" it was so cute. knitting. who wants that to be their dream job? except for old white nana's who bake and shit...

so, after working on my resume (this is still day 1) and applying for some jobs it was not too bad. everyone was just doing the same shit, different day.

"oooh, this place is so shit. it's like hell. this room especially. it's like a gas chamber" ...

then the woman/host answered back...

"dont be like that. just do your work. and, sorry, but as someone who's grandparents died in a NAZI concentration camp i really think comments like that are totally unexceptable and i think you need to leave. this is my training room so just go back outside..."

WHAT THE FUCK??? THINGS JUST GOT MEGA AWKWARD.

then to cool things down... she said this..

"oooh... im cranky now. i didnt get my morning apple."

YEH, I BET THAT'S WHAT PUSHED HER OVER THE EDGE. A FUCKING APPLE.

mmm ...

and then there was a question about "ultimate super power" because she thought we had lost our energy.

"ben, what would yours be?"

i gave her the usual predict the future so i could win the fucking lotto and buy some film equiptment blah blah blah...

and then she asked the 46-ish yr old misery guts woman... she answered with this...

(white shirt, coffee split down the front, freckles, aged, long pointy nose, hair in a high pony-tail, has a black cloud of misery hanging over her head)

"um... to be good at landscaping."

LADY!!! WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SUPER POWER IS THAT?

DO YOU SEE SUPERMAN SAVING THE WORLD THEN GOING...

"OH, I SHOULD JUST FUCKING RENOVATE THIS OLD GHETTO WHILE IM HERE AND MAKE IT A FUCKING CHILDS PLAYGROUND"

she wasnt trying. and the supervisor could tell.

"no... like, superpower... anything in the world. like, mine? (not that anyone asked or cared) mine would be flying. so i wouldnt have to wait in traffic. that would be fantastic ... so? ultimate superpower..."

"well, ok... umm... oh, i guess it would be good at gardening. maybe go back to school and get my degree?"

OH FUCKING HELL.

THAT'S LUNCH!!!

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